I apologise sincerely but I hereby publicly make myself unavailable to be the next Pope. This may come as a shock, but any votes submitted by cardinals with my name on it should be torn up.
There are many reasons why I’ve made this decision, but in true Catholic style I’ve picked the best seven.
- My Latin is caca.
- I am not an adult virgin or even an adult-virgin — by which I mean I’ve had sex with at least one adult.
- I think The Bible is the basis of Christianity.
- I’m too young, born in 1984 A.C.E… so young I don’t even write A.D.
- Of course I agree that child rapists should be discreetly whisked away and sequestered — to prison.
- I hate condoms as much as the next guy; but like the next guy I hate dying of AIDS even more.
- I don’t want my infallibility to be public knowledge.